Yesterday evening I did what I thought was unthinkable when I started this blog and gave the link to the blog to a couple of friends. Both are gay men who have been supportive of my journey. When I gave them the link, I immediately was sorry I did it because of the “expectations” post. I felt like it portrayed my wife in a very poor light, made her seem cold and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. How could I paint this picture to people when I know it to not be true?
When I said this to both of them, they both gave pretty much the same advice. This isn’t for her eyes, and I need to be me. I need to not worry about how others are portrayed when I’m writing my thoughts and feelings because the therapeutic process of writing is about untangling those thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they come out in unintended ways. Sometimes they’re inaccurate. And sometimes, they might even be hurtful. Such is the human experience, I think.
I guess what I’m saying is that things are not always as cut and dried as they might appear when I write them. Life is complicated and messy and so are our relationships with other people. They defy basic description sometimes, especially in one as complicated as my marriage. The thing is, I have made choices – no one ever held a gun to my head and forced me to make any decision in my life – and by and large, they have contributed to a very happy life, my tendency toward depression and anxiety notwithstanding. The choices I’ve made in my life are my own and there are reasons for all of them.
So when I write, I will endeavor to be truthful and honest, and always write from a place of love. Emotional vulnerability is tough, but it’s also so very essential.
I’ve been meaning to start a blog like this for a while – an anonymous one that will allow me to talk about what it’s like being a man right at mid-life coming to terms with his sexuality. Complicating all of this is that I am married to a woman and a father as well. I have always known that I was not completely straight, but I never thought in a million years that I would want to come out. But the older I get, the less I seem to care what people think.
First things first – my wife knows that I am attracted to men. She supports me but we remain monogamous. We feel like while the day may come that I can explore the gay side of me, that time is not now, not while we’re actively raising kids. That said, while she knows that I am to the gay side of bi on the Kinsey scale, there’s stuff she doesn’t know too. I’m hoping that here I can write out some of that to help me process it.
This isn’t a kiss and tell blog – I will not be recounting sexual exploits here mostly because I’m not having any right now. And I’m really not that type of guy anyway. I don’t go in for random sex – nothing against those that do, how I wish I could just have anonymous sex! – and I am not one to talk about the sex I do have.
So far, besides my wife, I’ve told a handful of friends, mostly gay men that I know on the Internet. They have been supportive and I was more than a little nervous when I told them because I came out as bisexual to them. When it comes right down to it, that’s probably what I am, and I know that to a lot of gay men, bi men are not to be trusted and are, at best, just trying to have the best of both worlds or, at worst, gay men hiding behind the safety of a scrap of heterosexuality. I’ve also told a couple of straight friends, and the first time I did that I was terrified even though I knew I had nothing to worry about. The night of the election last year, I came out rather unexpectedly to my sister.
I’m gonna see how I like this. I have a long history of blogging but I wanted to do this anonymously so that I might be forced to really examine this for what it is without the stress of knowing that people in my real life (or my mom) is reading. We’ll see how I do. This could be my only post, but I doubt that it will be.