I mentioned in my last post that even though I identify as bisexual, I probably lean more gay than straight. This presents problems in my heterosexual marriage because, as much as I love my wife, there are things that she just is incapable of giving me. I mean, she’s not a guy. And sometimes I really crave the touch of a man. I haven’t had the erotic touch of a man in a long long time (well before I was married) and I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll be able to have that again.
So I’m sustained by fantasy. At the end of last year, I actually bought a subscription to a gay porn web site. I know what you’re thinking “why pay for porn?” and it’s a legit questions. I guess it’s kind of how I feel about most things people pirate (music, movies, etc.) – if someone doesn’t pay for it, then nobody will be able to make it. It’s been worth it so far because when I go through my “gay phases” and the temptation to reinistall Grindr on my phone is overwhelming, I find that I can just watch some gay porn and that scratches that itch.
For the most part, I’m satisfied with that part of my life being confined to fantasy. Real sex is messy, involves other people and their feelings and has real world ramifications. I’m not one that can just meet up for random sex with strangers. I’ve always said that the best possible outcome for me would be to find a friend that I get to know and then it transforms into a “friends with benefits” type situation. Sometimes I think another married guy might be best for that but the wife knowing is essential. I met a guy for coffee once via Grindr and his wife didn’t know about his feelings. That was kind of a deal breaker. I refuse to be “the other woman” so-to-speak.
I did the one-night hookup thing in college (more about that in a later post), and I still have regrets about it. Some of the regrets involve wishing I would have done it sooner, but mostly, the regrets entail not really knowing the guys I was with (there were two.) Never mind the fact that one of them is a Facebook friend today, but we rarely interact as Facebook friends are wont to do.
I guess I’m living proof that Billy Joel is right “sometimes a fantasy is all you need.” Time will tell if that stays true.
I’ve been meaning to start a blog like this for a while – an anonymous one that will allow me to talk about what it’s like being a man right at mid-life coming to terms with his sexuality. Complicating all of this is that I am married to a woman and a father as well. I have always known that I was not completely straight, but I never thought in a million years that I would want to come out. But the older I get, the less I seem to care what people think.
First things first – my wife knows that I am attracted to men. She supports me but we remain monogamous. We feel like while the day may come that I can explore the gay side of me, that time is not now, not while we’re actively raising kids. That said, while she knows that I am to the gay side of bi on the Kinsey scale, there’s stuff she doesn’t know too. I’m hoping that here I can write out some of that to help me process it.
This isn’t a kiss and tell blog – I will not be recounting sexual exploits here mostly because I’m not having any right now. And I’m really not that type of guy anyway. I don’t go in for random sex – nothing against those that do, how I wish I could just have anonymous sex! – and I am not one to talk about the sex I do have.
So far, besides my wife, I’ve told a handful of friends, mostly gay men that I know on the Internet. They have been supportive and I was more than a little nervous when I told them because I came out as bisexual to them. When it comes right down to it, that’s probably what I am, and I know that to a lot of gay men, bi men are not to be trusted and are, at best, just trying to have the best of both worlds or, at worst, gay men hiding behind the safety of a scrap of heterosexuality. I’ve also told a couple of straight friends, and the first time I did that I was terrified even though I knew I had nothing to worry about. The night of the election last year, I came out rather unexpectedly to my sister.
I’m gonna see how I like this. I have a long history of blogging but I wanted to do this anonymously so that I might be forced to really examine this for what it is without the stress of knowing that people in my real life (or my mom) is reading. We’ll see how I do. This could be my only post, but I doubt that it will be.