I mentioned in my last post that even though I identify as bisexual, I probably lean more gay than straight. This presents problems in my heterosexual marriage because, as much as I love my wife, there are things that she just is incapable of giving me. I mean, she’s not a guy. And sometimes I really crave the touch of a man. I haven’t had the erotic touch of a man in a long long time (well before I was married) and I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll be able to have that again.
So I’m sustained by fantasy. At the end of last year, I actually bought a subscription to a gay porn web site. I know what you’re thinking “why pay for porn?” and it’s a legit questions. I guess it’s kind of how I feel about most things people pirate (music, movies, etc.) – if someone doesn’t pay for it, then nobody will be able to make it. It’s been worth it so far because when I go through my “gay phases” and the temptation to reinistall Grindr on my phone is overwhelming, I find that I can just watch some gay porn and that scratches that itch.
For the most part, I’m satisfied with that part of my life being confined to fantasy. Real sex is messy, involves other people and their feelings and has real world ramifications. I’m not one that can just meet up for random sex with strangers. I’ve always said that the best possible outcome for me would be to find a friend that I get to know and then it transforms into a “friends with benefits” type situation. Sometimes I think another married guy might be best for that but the wife knowing is essential. I met a guy for coffee once via Grindr and his wife didn’t know about his feelings. That was kind of a deal breaker. I refuse to be “the other woman” so-to-speak.
I did the one-night hookup thing in college (more about that in a later post), and I still have regrets about it. Some of the regrets involve wishing I would have done it sooner, but mostly, the regrets entail not really knowing the guys I was with (there were two.) Never mind the fact that one of them is a Facebook friend today, but we rarely interact as Facebook friends are wont to do.
I guess I’m living proof that Billy Joel is right “sometimes a fantasy is all you need.” Time will tell if that stays true.