Yesterday evening I did what I thought was unthinkable when I started this blog and gave the link to the blog to a couple of friends. Both are gay men who have been supportive of my journey. When I gave them the link, I immediately was sorry I did it because of the “expectations” post. I felt like it portrayed my wife in a very poor light, made her seem cold and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. How could I paint this picture to people when I know it to not be true?
When I said this to both of them, they both gave pretty much the same advice. This isn’t for her eyes, and I need to be me. I need to not worry about how others are portrayed when I’m writing my thoughts and feelings because the therapeutic process of writing is about untangling those thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they come out in unintended ways. Sometimes they’re inaccurate. And sometimes, they might even be hurtful. Such is the human experience, I think.
I guess what I’m saying is that things are not always as cut and dried as they might appear when I write them. Life is complicated and messy and so are our relationships with other people. They defy basic description sometimes, especially in one as complicated as my marriage. The thing is, I have made choices – no one ever held a gun to my head and forced me to make any decision in my life – and by and large, they have contributed to a very happy life, my tendency toward depression and anxiety notwithstanding. The choices I’ve made in my life are my own and there are reasons for all of them.
So when I write, I will endeavor to be truthful and honest, and always write from a place of love. Emotional vulnerability is tough, but it’s also so very essential.